xD

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Never go to bed angry... stay up and plot your revenge.
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When life gives you lemons, throw them back and say you want oranges. (
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If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why try?
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I believe in free will - I have no choice.
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If I throw a stick will you go away?
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If a tree falls in a forest on a mime and no one is around, does he scream?
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I'm just a chocolate bar... sweet but half nuts!
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Do not follow in my footsteps. I walk into walls.
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Being stupid isn't a bad thing, you're just overdoing it.
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If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of... OMG!
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People who live in glass houses should dress in the basement.
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You have the Midas touch - everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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What was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread?
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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What's another word for thesaurus?
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A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
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What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
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All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
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They told me I was gullible. And I believed them.
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A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, First let me see the sandwich.
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Experience is the one thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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I had amnesia once. Or twice.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
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Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
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What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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How can there be self-help groups?
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Is there another word for synonym?
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Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
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Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
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Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
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Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
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Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
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Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
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How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
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How does Teflon stick to the pan?
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How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
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I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
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I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
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I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If you lend someone 20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
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If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
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It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
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The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
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The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
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The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
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There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
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There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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What's the speed of dark?
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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Why is abbreviation such a long word?
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Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
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You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
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You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
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My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
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To err is human; to moo, bovine.
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I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
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Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.


42 ways to wind up your parents



1. Follow them around the house everywhere...
2. Moo when they say your name...
3. Run into walls...
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion...
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine...
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"...
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I???m a retard"...
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time...
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"...
10. Do what they actually tell you...
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly...
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people...
13. At everything they say yell, Liar...
14. Try to swim in the floor...
15. Tap on their door all night...
16.Pretend to have amnesia...
17.Say everything backwards...
18.Give yourself a swirly...
19.Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, "the sun!!! it's dying!!!"...
20.Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house...in your underwear...
21.Have nervous spasms at spontaneous times...
22.Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder...
23.Run in circles...
24.Recite a whole movie 3 times...
25.Pretend to beat yourself up...
26.Slither everywhere...
27.Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist... tell them you're making a fashion statement...
28.Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way...
29.Super glue your finger up your nose...
30.Talk to a pen...
31.Lay face down and chant like an indian tribe...
32.Try and climb the wall...
33.Spread out on the window and buzz, pretending to be a fly...
34.Take your ice cream cone and put it one your forehead... say you're a lovely unicorn...
35.Put pegs on your nose and eyes...
36.Switch the light button on and off for a while. then say, "ooooh... I get it!!!"...
37.Eat your hair...
38.Whatever they are eating, tell them it looks like a certain animal...
39.Eat anything obviously not edible...
40.Say your pet is mocking you and chase it around the house...
41.When you shower or bathe yell, "i'm drowning!!!"...<
42.Try to snorkel in your fish tank...


Achluophobia - Fear of darkness. Acrophobia - Fear of heights. Agliophobia - Fear of pain. Agoraphobia - Fear of open spaces or crowds. Aichmophobia - Fear of needles or pointed objects. Amaxophobia - Fear of riding in a car. Androphobia - Fear of men. Anginophobia - Fear of angina or choking. Anthrophobia - Fear of flowers. Anthropophobia - Fear of people or society. Aphenphosmphobia - Fear of being touched. Arachnophobia - Fear of spiders. Arithmophobia - Fear of numbers. Astraphobia - Fear of thunder and lightening. Ataxophobia - Fear of disorder or untidiness. Atelophobia - Fear of imperfection. Atychiphobia - Fear of failure. Autophobia - Fear of being alone. Angrophobia - Fear of anger or of becoming angry. Ankylophobia- Fear of immobility of a joint. Antlophobia- Fear of floods. Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single. Apeirophobia- Fear of infinity.

B
Bacteriophobia - Fear of bacteria. Barophobia - Fear of gravity. Bathmophobia - Fear of stairs or steep slopes. Batrachophobia - Fear of amphibians. Belonephobia - Fear of pins and needles. Bibliophobia - Fear of books. Botanophobia - Fear of plants.

C
Cacophobia - Fear of ugliness. Catagelophobia - Fear of being ridiculed. Catoptrophobia - Fear of mirrors. Chionophobia - Fear of snow. Chromophobia - Fear of colors. Cnidophobia- Fear of stings. Cometophobia- Fear of comets. Coimetrophobia- Fear of cemeteries. Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting. Cremnophobia- Fear of precipices. Cryophobia- Fear of extreme cold, ice or frost. Chronomentrophobia - Fear of clocks. Claustrophobia - Fear of confined spaces. Coulrophobia - Fear of clowns. Cyberphobia - Fear of computers. Cynophobia - Fear of dogs.

D
Dendrophobia - Fear of trees. Dentophobia - Fear of dentists. Domatophobia - Fear of houses. Dystychiphobia - Fear of accidents. Doraphobia- Fear of fur or skins of animals. Doxophobia- Fear of expressing opinions or of receiving praise. Dromophobia- Fear of crossing streets. Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch. Dysmorphophobia- Fear of deformity

E
Ecophobia - Fear of the home. Elurophobia - Fear of cats. Entomophobia - Fear of insects. Ephebiphobia - Fear of teenagers. Equinophobia - Fear of horses. Ereuthrophobia- Fear of blushing. Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting. Enetophobia- Fear of pins. Enochlophobia- Fear of crowds. Ecclesiophobia- Fear of church.

F
Febriphobia or Fibriphobia or Fibriophobia- Fear of fever. Felinophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia, Elurophobia, Galeophobia, Gatophobia) Francophobia- Fear of France or French culture.

G
Gamophobia - Fear of marriage. Genuphobia - Fear of knees. Glossophobia - Fear of speaking in public. Gynophobia - Fear of women. Geliophobia - Fear of laughter. Geniophobia - Fear of chins. Genophobia - Fear of sex. Genuphobia - Fear of knees. Gymnophobia - Fear of nudity.

H
Heliophobia - Fear of the sun. Hemophobia - Fear of blood. Herpetophobia - Fear of reptiles. Hippophobia - Fear of horses. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - Fear of long words. Hobophobia - Fear of bums or beggars. Hodophobia - Fear of road travel. Hormephobia - Fear of shock. Homichlophobia - Fear of fog. Homilophobia - Fear of sermons. Hominophobia - Fear of men. Hydrophobia - Fear of water.

I
Iatrophobia - Fear of doctors. Insectophobia - Fear of insects. Ichthyophobia - Fear of fish. Ideophobia - Fear of ideas. Illyngophobia - Fear of vertigo or feeling dizzy when looking down. Iophobia - Fear of poison

J
Japanophobia - Fear of Japanese. Judeophobia - Fear of Jews.

K
Koinoniphobia - Fear of rooms. Katagelophobia - Fear of ridicule. Kathisophobia - Fear of sitting down. Kenophobia - Fear of voids or empty spaces. Kopophobia - Fear of fatigue. Koniophobia - Fear of dust. (Amathophobia) Kosmikophobia - Fear of cosmic phenomenon. Kymophobia - Fear of waves. (Cymophobia) Kynophobia - Fear of rabies. Kyphophobia - Fear of stooping

L
Leukophobia - Fear of the color white. Lockiophobia - Fear of childbirth. Ligyrophobia - Fear of loud noises. Lilapsophobia - Fear of tornadoes and hurricanes. Limnophobia - Fear of lakes. Linonophobia - Fear of string. Liticaphobia - Fear of lawsuits.

M
Mageirocophobia - Fear of cooking. Melanophobia - Fear of the color black. Microphobia - Fear of small things. Mysophobia - Fear of dirt and germs. Misophobia or Mysophobia - Fear of being contaminated with dirt or germs. Mnemophobia - Fear of memories. Molysmophobia or Molysomophobia - Fear of dirt or contamination. Monophobia - Fear of solitude or being alone. Monopathophobia - Fear of definite disease. Motorphobia - Fear of automobiles. Mottephobia - Fear of moths. Musophobia or Muriphobia - Fear of mice.

N
Necrophobia - Fear of death or dead things. Noctiphobia - Fear of the night. Novercaphobia - Fear of your step-mother. Nucleomituphobia - Fear of nuclear weapons. Nudophobia - Fear of nudity. Numerophobia - Fear of numbers. Nephophobia - Fear of clouds. Nosocomephobia - Fear of hospitals.

O
Obesophobia - Fear of gaining weight. Octophobia - Fear of the figure 8. Ombrophobia - Fear of rain. Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams. Oneirogmophobia- Fear of wet dreams. Onomatophobia- Fear of hearing a certain word or of names. Ophidiophobia - Fear of snakes. Ornithophobia - Fear of birds. Ochlophobia- Fear of crowds. Ochophobia- Fear of vehicles.

P
Papyrophobia - Fear of paper. Pathophobia - Fear of disease. Pedophobia - Fear of children. Philophobia - Fear of love. Phobophobia - Fear of phobias. Podophobia - Fear of feet. Patroiophobia- Fear of heredity. Parturiphobia- Fear of childbirth. Porphyrophobia - Fear of the color purple. Pteridophobia - Fear of ferns. Pteromerhanophobia - Fear of flying. Pyrophobia - Fear of fire.

R
Ranidaphobia- Fear of frogs.
Rectophobia- Fear of rectum or rectal diseases.
Rhypophobia- Fear of defecation. Rhytiphobia- Fear of getting wrinkles. Rupophobia- Fear of dirt.

S
Scolionophobia - Fear of school. Selenophobia - Fear of the moon. Sociophobia - Fear of social evaluation. Somniphobia - Fear of sleep. Scotomaphobia- Fear of blindness in visual field. Scotophobia- Fear of darkness. Scriptophobia- Fear of writing in public. Selachophobia- Fear of sharks.s Selaphobia- Fear of light flashes. Selenophobia- Fear of the moon. Seplophobia- Fear of decaying matter.s
Sesquipedalophobia- Fear of long words.
Sexophobia- Fear of the opposite sex.
Soteriophobia - Fear of dependence on others.
Spacephobia- Fear of outer space. Spectrophobia- Fear of specters or ghosts. Spermatophobia - Fear of germs. Spheksophobia- Fear of wasps. Stasibasiphobia - Fear of standing or walking. Staurophobia- Fear of crosses or the crucifix.
Stenophobia- Fear of narrow things or places.
Stygiophobia - Fear of hell. Suriphobia- Fear of mice.
Symbolophobia- Fear of symbolism. Symmetrophobia- Fear of symmetry. Syngenesophobia- Fear of relatives.

T
Tachophobia - Fear of speed.
Technophobia - Fear of technology. Tonitrophobia - Fear of thunder. Trypanophobia - Fear of injections. Taeniophobia or Teniophobia- Fear of tapeworms.
Taphephobia Taphophobia- Fear of being buried alive or of cemeteries.
Tapinophobia- Fear of being contagious. Taurophobia- Fear of bulls.
Theatrophobia- Fear of theatres. Theologicophobia- Fear of theology. Theophobia- Fear of gods or religion. Thermophobia- Fear of heat.
Tocophobia- Fear of pregnancy or childbirth.
Tomophobia- Fear of surgical operations. Tuberculophobia- Fear of tuberculosis. Tyrannophobia- Fear of tyrants.

U
Uranophobia or Ouranophobia- Fear of heaven.
Urophobia- Fear of urine or urinating.

V
Venustraphobia - Fear of beautiful women. Verminophobia - Fear of germs. Vaccinophobia- Fear of vaccination. Verbophobia- Fear of words. Vestiphobia- Fear of clothing.
Virginitiphobia- Fear of rape. Vitricophobia- Fear of step-father.

W
Wiccaphobia - Fear of witches and witchcraft.
Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons.

X
Xenophobia - Fear of strangers or foreigners.
Xanthophobia- Fear of the color yellow or the word yellow.
Xenoglossophobia- Fear of foreign languages.
Xyrophobia-Fear of razors. Xerophobia- Fear of dryness.

Z
Zoophobia - Fear of animals.
Zelophobia- Fear of jealousy.
Zeusophobia- Fear of God or gods. Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.