A note to cool my mind

I don't expect anybody to read this,its just for me to read every time i feel like remembrance of hurt i guess...:/ for my ex of 8 months who i truly can't get over, my two best friend read it and cried
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I remember the day you asked me out the day I had to debate in my choice. Something about you drew me so close and but I truly thought we would never last, because in my eyes you were always the rude one. Every day I grew closer and closer to you, more and more in love, I never thought we would make it as far as we had. Than I just fell in complete love with you. Each day that went by I grew more and more confident whenever I was around you I grew less self conscious I nearly forgot about my past. But there was always a empty part of me a part I hoped you could understand, I always wondered if you ever would understand. I wanted you here but a part of me knew it would never happen, I knew I was giving you all of me and yet still knew eventually it was going to end, even when you kept telling me, kept saying what I wanted to hear. You kept saying ???No??? like it was your duty. I was so scared you would find someone so much better. You always told me you loved me and that you were never leaving. But something truly happened I never understood it. I still do not understand it, why you stopped loving me. I never had been in love with someone as much as you had let me love someone, never in my whole life. When we took a break, a part of me knew it was over the other, part of me knew I had to let time take over, and if it was not meant for us to be together than that???s the way it should stay. However, I knew I did not want that, I knew I could not handle it. Now I am a horrible mess. A few months after we split I asked if you still loved me, you told me ???Yes??? but I find out a few weeks later that your with someone new, how the hell do you think that makes me feel? At the time before I found out I simply did not know what I should wonder, my thoughts were mumbled, I did not know if it was a to be lie or if you truly did love me. Another question still races through my head, every single day. Did you ever really love me? When I was sick you took care of me, told me you would not leave my side. You never really made me unhappy, you sometimes made me mad. But truthfully you were actually the one thing that rarely could make me, or did make me happy. I kept wondering after October if it was really over. I kept asking myself, has it really ended? About two whole years I thought we were perfect, that nothing could tear us apart, not even our distance, I had fallen for you so deep that nobody could pull me out no matter how hard they tried. I left you twice. I was confused, unhappy with life. Never one of those times did you give up on me, you waited for me to come back I knew I was never the best girlfriend in the world, you probably thought I was the worst. But when it came down to my happiness you chose to care. Being apart for just a day hurt, I kept imagining how it would feel to be torn apart for months, maybe even a year. Then the problem hit me, I cannot get over you. I still cry most nights, because I did not want to lose you, no matter how hard I tried, still it happened. Just thinking about you as I write this, my feelings literally tear at my heart I feel like I can???t breathe. I miss every little part of you. The way you could make me cry happy tears instead of the ones you dreaded, how you made me smile when everyone else made me frown, or how you simply made me laugh when I felt like the world was ending. Maybe the fact that you are the first person I fell ???IN??? love with is why I still can???t let you go, why I stay up late at night crying, thinking how I could have changed us so this would have never happened. These are all the problems I have been face to face with since you left. I wish I could have made us last, when you, me, and Krystal started dating I was so jealous because she was so damn pretty. I got to the point I didn???t care if I hurt her, because I was so scared she was going to take you, that you would give up on me and leave with her. Now I don???t even have her in my life anyone, I feel like I should give up. Even while me and Alex are together I wanted to imagine its you, every time me and him kiss. I know I???ve lost you, but I can???t stop hanging on. You told me you didn???t even want to be friends, that really blew my heart to shreds when the words hit me. Even though you told me to be strong I couldn???t, not anymore. I don???t know how. All I feel is pain and numbness inside of me now. I don???t know how to love anymore, I don???t know how to have a relationship. By this point I???m incapable of so many things. Sometimes the lost feeling is so great I feel like I got shot several times in the gut. Its to the point I want to lay down and disappear. Since you left I???ve lost everything almost. Krystal, Kayla, all my other friends. I???ve given up, Alex is almost to the point of leaving. But all I can think about is having you back, you don???t understand the same pain I do, the way I know you don???t feel the same way I do is by the fact you moved on immediately. Its taken me almost eight months to just kiss someone. Let alone let new people in. I???m scared for life. Right in my chest I feel shatters every now and then, but nothing can be as bad as before. I don???t want to feel loneliness anymore, it hurts more than a cut on my skin. I just want you simply to understand what I???ve gone through; what I???m going through. I want you to understand how much pain I???m in, how much I miss you. I want to know why you suddenly truly left, why you gave up so easily. Why I have to go through this pain alone. I want you more than anything at this moment. I miss you, if you could read what I wrote right now, I would hope you would cry, not in direct pain. But in the kind of way I do every night. I love you, miss you, cry over you, and I need you. I want to hear your voice tell me everything is going to be okay???.
I want you back.

You were my best friend, and when you walked away my trust faded, I lock myself in the darkness of my room everyday, sing, then cry. Your the one who told me how beautiful my voice is. Your the one that made me adore every bit of life. When you walked away, a part of my voice died with the rest of me, I know because I have no emotion left in my voice. I used to estimate the time we had left, I never thought it would actually little so much.I thought we would truly last forever times, then I knew I was being naive. I didn't know what to think at the time, I was lost, totally dazed. It was like I had a never ending cloud pouring down on my head, on my lost mind. I didn't know what to do. I was scared even of myself, I was scared to be around anyone I cared about, because I thought they would all leave, that they would follow you. But I pushed them away, so truthfully they didn't have to do anything, just avoid me as I avoided them. I slowly quit tending to the needs of myself, thats how empty I felt, or how empty I thought I was feeling. I texted you back in march, see how you were. You made me feel so safe, for the five minutes we spoke, then when you left, it was like life hit the shut off button again. I didn't want to feel the hurt, so I locked myself away and pretended it wasn't real, that it couldn't be real, in the end I just ended up hurting myself more than you had ever hurt me. I want you to come back. I don't dare call, write, mail you because its the fear of emptiness sinking in as you leave again. We had our life so planned out. Like you promised to marry me, promised to give me a beautiful family. Now I never want to see another man again, never want to know what its like to be happy...
If we could go back I would change every bad thing I ever did to you, I wouldn't ever have cheated on you. Because maybe thats what led you to leave...
I love you, I'm lost, so so lost without you. I'm empty. I've tried dating again and it always ends in me getting dumped, for cheating, not being a good girlfriend, or me being used for peoples personal reasons.
I want you back...
You would never treat me this way...
And I would treat you so much better...

Ugh I keep trying to appeal to the ideal sense that your not coming back, but truthfully I can't get my mind to the conclusion. It just leads to me imagining how I could have changed the outcome of the equations.
Nik.