i got this funny thing from a friend [xopixiexo]

read tis very funny

-=-=-
Never go to bed angry... stay up and plot your revenge.
-=-=-
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and say you want oranges. (
-=-=-
If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why try?
-=-=-
I believe in free will - I have no choice.
-=-=-
If I throw a stick will you go away?
-=-=-
If a tree falls in a forest on a mime and no one is around, does he scream?
-=-=-
I'm just a chocolate bar... sweet but half nuts!
-=-=-
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
-=-=-
Do not follow in my footsteps. I walk into walls.
-=-=-
Being stupid isn't a bad thing, you're just overdoing it.
-=-=-
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
-=-=-
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-=-=-
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-=-=-
If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of... OMG!
-=-=-
People who live in glass houses should dress in the basement.
-=-=-
You have the Midas touch - everything you touch turns to a muffler.
-=-=-
What was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread?
-=-=-
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
-=-=-
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-=-=-
What's another word for thesaurus?
-=-=-
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-=-=-
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
-=-=-
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
-=-=-
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
-=-=-
They told me I was gullible. And I believed them.
-=-=-
A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, First let me see the sandwich.
-=-=-
Experience is the one thing you have left when everything else is gone.
-=-=-
I had amnesia once. Or twice.
-=-=-
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
-=-=-
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
-=-=-
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
-=-=-
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
-=-=-
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
-=-=-
How can there be self-help groups?
-=-=-
Is there another word for synonym?
-=-=-
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
-=-=-
Is it possible to be totally partial?
-=-=-
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
-=-=-
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
-=-=-
Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
-=-=-
Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-=-=-
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
-=-=-
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
-=-=-
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
-=-=-
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-=-=-
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
-=-=-
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
-=-=-
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
-=-=-
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
-=-=-
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
-=-=-
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-=-=-
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-=-=-
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
-=-=-
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
-=-=-
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
-=-=-
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
-=-=-
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
-=-=-
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
-=-=-
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
-=-=-
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
-=-=-
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
-=-=-
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
-=-=-
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
-=-=-
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
-=-=-
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
-=-=-
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
-=-=-
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-=-=-
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-=-=-
If you lend someone 20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
-=-=-
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-=-=-
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
-=-=-
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
-=-=-
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
-=-=-
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
-=-=-
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
-=-=-
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
-=-=-
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
-=-=-
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
-=-=-
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
-=-=-
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
-=-=-
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
-=-=-
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
-=-=-
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
-=-=-
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-=-=-
What's the speed of dark?
-=-=-
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
-=-=-
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
-=-=-
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-=-=-
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
-=-=-
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
-=-=-
My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
-=-=-
To err is human; to moo, bovine.
-=-=-
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
-=-=-
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting

I got this from a friend called xopixiexo