My Fave Quotes
15 years, 5 months & 12 days ago
16th Jul 2009 15:10 wayn's world
Garth Algar: Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and I have NO taste in pet sites.
Garth Algar: Hey Mr. Donut Man, who's trying to kill ya? I don't know but they better not!
Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.
Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat".
Noah Vanderhoff: What?
Wayne Campbell: Exactly.
Garth Algar: Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?
Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man, am I supposed to say, it's OK, I don't mind. I don't mind. Well I mind! I mind big time? And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.
Cassandra: Is that true?
Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.
Tiny: Wayne. How you doin'?
Wayne Campbell: Hey, Tiny, who's playing today?
Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the I have NO taste in pet sitesty Beetles.
Wayne Campbell: I have NO taste in pet sitesty Beetles? Are they any good?
Tiny: They suck.
Wayne Campbell: Then it's not just a clever name.
Garth Algar: Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?
Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up two months ago.
Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out, does it?
Wayne Campbell: Well, it does actually, that's what breaking up is.
Stacy: Well, don't you want to open your present?
Wayne Campbell: If it's a severed head I'm going to be very upset
Stacy: Open it.
Wayne Campbell: What is it?
Stacy: It's a gun rack.
Wayne Campbell: A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?
Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.
Wayne Campbell: I lost you 2 months ago. We broke up. Are you mental? Get the net!
Alan: Do I frighten you?
Mrs. Vanderhoff: No.
Alan: Do you want me to?
Benjamin: Wayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a Pizza Hut box] Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor.
Benjamin: I'm sorry you feel that way, but basically it's the nature of the beast.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a bag of Doritos] Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?
Garth Algar: [wearing Reebok wardrobe] It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad.
Wayne Campbell: I can't talk about it anymore; it's giving me a headache.
Garth Algar: Here, take two of these!
[Dumps two Nuprin pills into Wayne's hand]
Wayne Campbell: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.
Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a can of Pepsi] Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.
Wayne Campbell: No way!
Garth Algar: Way!
[last lines]
Cassandra: I love you, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: I love you, Cassandra.
Dreamwoman: I love you, Garth.
Garth Algar: I love you, dreamwoman.
Noah Vanderhoff: You know, ever since I did your show, kids are looking at me in a whole new way.
Terry: I love you, man.
Russel: And I love you. Because I've learned that Platonic love *can* exist between two grown men.
Benjamin: And I've learned something, too. I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America - almost to the top - but it can't get you everything.
Wayne Campbell: Isn't it great that we're all better people?
[beat]
Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: FISHED IN!
Wayne Campbell: Wow! What a totally amazing, excellent discovery!
Benjamin: Have you spoken to Wayne about the Vanderhoff spot?
Russel: Yes, briefly. He was not very receptive.
Benjamin: Oh really? Well I'll explain it to him that it's not a choice. It's in his contract
Russel: Oh. Well Wayne will understand that right away... NOT!
[Ben glares at Russ]
Russel: Excuse me!
Wayne Campbell: [after Ben orders Chinese food speaking Cantonese] This guy is good.
Benjamin: I picked up a little Cantonese while I was in the Orient. You know, you sound a lot like you're from Kowloon Bay as opposed to Hong Kong.
Cassandra: I waw *born* in Kowloon Bay!
Benjamin: There you have it!
Wayne Campbell: This guy is really good.
Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?
Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.
Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."
Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.
Wayne Campbell: I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right? I have NO taste in pet sites York and I have NO taste in pet sites Sargeant. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh hold on: I have NO taste in pet sites York, I have NO taste in pet sites Sergeant, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.
[admiring a guitar in a music store]
Wayne Campbell: It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.
[after seeing Cassandra for the first time]
Wayne Campbell: She will be mine. Oh, yes - she will be mine.
Garth Algar: Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww.
[Holds out a Dixie cup]
Garth Algar: Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this.
Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: [to the camera] I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it, that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic; yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder?
Wayne Campbell: Ho-woh! What do you think you're doing? Only me and Garth get to talk to the camera.
Garth Algar: That is a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.
[Talking about Claudia Schiffer]
Wayne Campbell: She's a babe.
Garth Algar: She's magically babelicious.
Wayne Campbell: She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.
Benjamin: First, let me get this out of the way - I'm a big fan.
Garth Algar: You are?
Benjamin: The way I see it; your show is capable of so much more.
Garth Algar: Well, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.
[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?"]
Wayne Campbell: Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?
Benjamin: Do you have a lawyer?
Wayne Campbell: Yes. Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.
Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his big fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for *you* or for anybody."
Terry: Wayne. Wayne. Garth told me about the show, man. I love you man.
Wayne Campbell: Yea, and I love you too, Terry.
Terry: No no no, I mean it man. I LOVE you.
Wayne Campbell: No, I-I mean it. I love you.
Terry: No you don't, man. I love you.
Wayne Campbell: [being hugged by Terry] Garth. Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you.
Terry: I love you, man.
Garth Algar: Thank you.
Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue.
Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...
[Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the mirth-mobile, staring at the starlit sky]
Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?
Wayne Campbell: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.
Garth Algar: She's a babe.
Wayne Campbell: She's a robo-babe. In Latin she would be called "babia majora".
Garth Algar: If she were a president she would be Baberaham Lincoln.
[a brief pause]
Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?
Wayne Campbell: No.
[cracks up laughing]
Wayne Campbell: No.
Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Anything wrong, Davy?
Davy: Yeah, I got paid today.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know what that's like.
Davy: No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know how that feels.
Davy: Know what I'd like to do?
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.
Davy: Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Well, the world's a twisted place.
Garth Algar: Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.
Wayne Campbell: Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp. You know what you can do with your pop quiz?
Garth Algar: Well, you know what you can do with your show? You can take a flying...
[a passing jet liner mutes out most of what he says]
Garth Algar: ...till the handle breaks off and you have to get a doctor to pull it out again!
Wayne Campbell: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Did you know that if you kill a man in the dead of winter you can see steam rising out of him? The Indians though it was your soul escaping.
[Wayne opens a door to show a bunch of spies in training]
Garth Algar: What are you gonna do with these guys?
Wayne Campbell: Oh, nothing really. I just always wanted to open a door to room where people are being trained like in James Bond movies.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.
Garth Algar: OK... First I'll access the secret military spy satelite that is in geosynchronous orbit over the midwest. Then I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then I'll reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal back into the aerosphere up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137 and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo... It's almost too easy.
[Wayne Campbell is stopped by a traffic cop]
Wayne Campbell: Yes, officer, is there a problem?
T-1000: Have you seen this boy?
Cassandra: I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before...
Benjamin Kane: Oh, actually all champagne is French, it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans of course don't recognize the convention, so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white "champagne", even though by definition they're not.
Wayne Campbell: Ah yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The Next Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.
Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: [to Alice Cooper] We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
Garth Algar: We're Scum!
Wayne Campbell: We suck!
Wayne Campbell: I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...
Garth Algar: Let me tell you something about women, Wayne. They want you to come get them, they LOVE it.
[after being stranded]
Garth Algar: I'm having a good time... *not*!
[to the camera]
Wayne Campbell: What the hell's going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I'm being I have NO taste in pet sites on, that's all, I have NO taste in pet sites on, and you know what really I have NO taste in pet siteses me off-
[Camera pans away]
Wayne Campbell: Wait, where are you goin'? OK, things aren't that great, but I'll get 'em back, OK?
Cassandra: Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped.
Wayne Campbell: Interesting. Where did you learn English?
Cassandra: College... and the Police Academy movies.
Garth Algar: Uh, Wayne?
Wayne Campbell: Yeah?
Garth Algar: Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's just using us?
Wayne Campbell: Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.
Benjamin Kane: So Garth, what do you think so far?
Garth Algar: It's like a new pair of underwear. At first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you.
Garth Algar: [describing his feelings of the new set] It's like a new pair of underwear. At first, it's constrictive. But after awhile it becomes a part of you.
[the Vanderhoffs give him an odd look]
Garth Algar: I gotta go.
Phil: [not remembering their trip to the Gasworks] Hey, did you guys go to the Gasworks on Friday night?
Wayne Campbell: [Referring to him and Phil as well] Yeah, we were there.
Phil: There was this band, 'Crucial Taunt'. They had this mega-babe for a lead singer, unreal.
Wayne Campbell: Phil, we were there. Have you gone mental? Hello!
Wayne Campbell: [sees his car parked outside the house] Ahh... the Mirth-Mobile...
Wayne Campbell: Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago - excellent. I've had plenty of jo-jobs; nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. Ok, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is bogus and sad. However I do have a cable access show, and I still know how to party. But what I'd really like is to do Wayne's World for a living. It might happen. Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
[Holding Claudia Schiffer picture]
Garth Algar: Hey, are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding it.
Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's what she said.
Wayne Campbell: Zang. ("excellent" in Cantonese)
[Ron Paxton demonstrates his new invention, the "suck kut"]
Ron Paxton: As you can see, it sucks as it cuts.
Wayne Campbell: It certainly does suck.
Garth Algar: [getting a suck-cut] Aaaahh! Turn it off man, turn it off! It's sucking my will to live! Oh, the humanity!
Stacy: Hi, Garth.
Garth Algar: Hi.
Stacy: I'm looking for Wayne. I'm very concerned about him; he seems to be going through a difficult phase right now, ya know. What do you think it is?
Garth Algar: That you're mental.
Stacy: You know him best, what do you think I should do?
Garth Algar: Just get over it and go out with somebody else.
Stacy: "Get over it go out with somebody else." Yeah, thanks, OK, great. Hi.
Garth Algar: [while reading Benjamin's planner] Daily reminder, Thursday: Purchase feeble public access cable show, and exploit it. Gee, I feel sorry for whoever *that* is.
Garth Algar: We fear change.
Wayne Campbell: Phil, what are you doing here? You're partied out, man. Again.
Garth Algar: What if he honks in the car?
Wayne Campbell: I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.
Wayne Campbell: Tell me, when the first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humungoid giant star?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne Campbell: Will you still love me when I'm in my hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne Campbell: Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne Campbell: Okay, party. Bonus.
[in a music store]
Wayne Campbell: I know. I'll use the "May I help you?" riff.
[strums guitar]
Clerk: May I help you?
[Garth plays an astonishing drum solo in the music store]
Guy: You are like... amazing... dude.
Garth Algar: Thanks. I like to play.
Benjamin: Hey, who wants Chinese take-out? I know a great place!
Wayne Campbell: I'll have the "cream of sum yung guy".
Garth Algar: We're looking down on Wayne's basement. Only that's not Wayne's basement. Isn't that weird?
Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's weird, man, that's weird. Garth! That was a haiku!
Wayne Campbell: First he screws me, then he screws you. It's Dutch door action.
Old Man Withers: And I would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you snoopin' kids!
Wayne Campbell: [admiring Benjamin's apartment] Yep, this is definitely the kind of apartment I'll have if I ever move out of my parents' basement.
Wayne Campbell: Kiss your mother with that mouth? I'm gettin' outta here, Damien!
Garth Algar: Fine then, go!
Wayne Campbell: I'm gone!
Garth Algar: Go then!
Wayne Campbell: But I am!
Garth Algar: Go!
Wayne Campbell: I'm Gone!
Garth Algar: Go then!
Wayne Campbell: But I am!
Wayne Campbell: Well, that's all the time we had for our movie. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that bullied the films emotional attachments to the subject matter.
Garth Algar: I just hoped you didn't think it sucked.
[enjoying a breathtaking view]
Wayne Campbell: You know, Cassandra, from this height... you could really hock a loogie on someone.
Wayne Campbell: [to an old man in the neighboring car at a red light] Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
Noah Vanderhoff: Come bust a move where the games are played, it's chill, it's fresh, it's Noah's Arcade.
Wayne Campbell: Or, imagine, being able to be magically whisked away to... Delaware.
[pauses]
Wayne Campbell: Hi. I'm in Delaware.
Wayne Campbell: Do you smell bacon, Garth?
Garth Algar: I definitely smell a pork product of some kind.
[first lines]
[in bed, flipping through tv commercials]
Elyse: It's really good seeing you, Benjamin. You haven't been into Shakey's for so long.
Benjamin: Well, I've been real busy.
Wayne Campbell: No Stairway, denied!
wayn's world 2
Cassandra: Wait, let me show you what I got at a garage sale.
Wayne: What'cha got?
Cassandra: Isn't that great? You've heard it?
Wayne: Exqueese me? Have I seen this one before? "Frampton Comes Alive"? Everybody in the world has Frampton Comes Alive. If you lived in the suburbs you were issued it. It came in the mail with samples of "Tide".
Cassandra: Look at this old one. Gerry and the Pacemakers.
Wayne: Wow. That is old. You know, I bet those guys actually have pacemakers by now.
Del Preston: So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door, and mentions there's a little sweets shop on the edge of town. So - we go. And - it's closed. So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby, breaking into that little sweets shop, eh. Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big Bengal tiger. I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopowner and his son... that's a different story altogether. I had to beat them to death with their own shoes. Nasty business, really. But, sure enough, I got the M&Ms, and Ozzy went on stage and did a great show.
Del Preston: Woodstock? That was quite a show, man.
Garth: You were at Woodstock?
Wayne: Excellent! What was it like?
Del Preston: It rained all morning, and then it cleared up in the afternoon. And that's it, I almost remembered something else, but it's gone.
Del Preston: Alright, ladies and gentlemen. It takes two people to run a concert: one back stage, and one out front. One man alone cannot do this. Wayne, you will run the backstage team. Milton, you are my liaison between Wayne's backstage team and Garth's front-stage team which includes myself in the booth. To the left and right of the stage are machine-gun pillboxes, M-60 Browning. Now these babies tend to heat up so shoot in 3 second bursts. In the event of capture I will personally distribute these cyanide capsules to be placed under the tongue like so.
[Places a capsule in his mouth]
Del Preston: Any questions?
Garth: Yes, I have a question. When did you turn into a nutbar?
Garth: So, did Jim Morrison give you Del Preston's exact address?
Wayne: Yeah, he said EXACTLY London, England.
Garth: Uh, Wayne, you know, I don't think you should mention that Jim Morrison thing anymore. It's just that people have started to talk, you know. They're saying things like, "Hey, there goes Garth and his friend Wayne... the psychopath."
Glenn: So Wayne, I hear you're putting on some kind of concert. That's good. People need to be entertained, they need the distraction. I wish to God that someone would be able to block out the voices in my head for five minutes, the voices that scream, over and over again: "Why do they come to me to die? Why do they come to me to die?"
Garth: How can you sleep like that?
Del Preston: Listen, sonny Jim. Sleeping like this will add ten years to your life. I learned it from Keith Richards when I toured with the Stones. This may be the reason why Keith cannot be killed by conventional weapons.
[Pickup-line]
Honey Horne: So, would you like to have dinner one night?
Garth: Oh, I like to have dinner every night.
Honey Horne: I bet you like to be in control...
Garth: Yes, like when I was 17, my sister wanted to loan my Def Leppard. I said "No way!".
Honey Horne: I'm goning to be frank.
Garth: OK. Can I still be Garth?
Honey Horne: Take me, Garth!
Garth: Where? I'm low on gas and you need a jacket.
Jim: Hey Wayne, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine: Sammy Davis, Jr.
Wayne: Wow, nice to meet you, Mr. Junior.
Wayne: Excuse me, what are you guys doing here in the middle of the street?
Chicken-man: Well, I'm putting these chickens in crates, and stacking them right here. Jim's job is to make sure we always have plenty of watermelons.
Wayne: Oh, so you're selling watermelons.
Jim: No, no sir. We just have to make sure we have plenty of them stacked at all times, just like with these here chickens.
Garth: What do these guys do?
Chicken-man: Well, their job is to walk back and forth with this big plate-glass window every couple of minutes.
Garth: Weird.
Wayne: Yeah, you've got to wonder if this is gonna pay off later on.
Wayne: You're worthless! You're less than nothing! What's keeping you here? You don't belong here! Why don't you just quit?
Milton: Cause I've got no place else to go!
Wayne: Who are you?
Jim: I'm Jim Morrison.
Wayne: And who's he?
Jim: A weird naked indian.
Wayne: What I'd really like to do is something extraordinary. Something big. Something mega. Something copious. Something capacious. Something cajunga! But I'll probably end up working at Great America, mopping up hurl and lung butter.
Wayne: Here we are, at Piccadilly Circus!
Garth: Wow, what a I have NO taste in pet sitesty circus.
Wayne: Good call. There's no animals or clowns! What a ripoff!
[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?" (also in Wayne's World (1992))]
Wayne: Exsqueeze me? A baking-powder?
Wayne: Where are you going?
Garth: Mikitas. Aren't you coming?
Wayne: No, I'll just embarrass you. I'll just stay here and lick the cat's butt.
Garth: Okay.
Wayne: [trying to avoid mentioning Jerry Segel's albino right-eye] We'll just take these home, run them over with a fine tooth comb, cross the "t"s and dot the... lower case "j"s.
Concert Nerd: How long does it take you to get here from Aurora? It takes me forty minutes, door to door.
Garth: Wayne, we don't wanna end the movie this way, do we?
Wayne: Good call. Let's do the "Thelma and Louise" ending!
Concert Nerd #1: Aren't you those two guys from that TV show, Wayne's World?
Wayne: No.
Concert Nerd #2: Well, you guys sure look like them.
Garth: Look, if Wayne says we're not, we're not, okay?
[Wayne is about to speak, but he hesitates many times]
Cassandra: Wayne, you look like you've got something to say.
Wayne & Garth: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
Steven Tyler: You're worthy, you're worthy. Get up!
Cassandra: You know, I haven't seen Garth in a while. What's he up to?
Wayne: Oh, Garth's doing his laundry.
Cassandra: Too bad he doesn't have a girlfriend to do HIS laundry.
Wayne: Oh yeah; thanks for doing my laundry. Hey Cassandra, how do you get my clothes so white and fresh-smelling?
Cassandra: It's an age-old Cantonese family method that very few people know about.
Wayne: Ahh... Wait a minute... Calgon? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Wayne: Look Garth it's Heather Locklear and she's signaling to us. There is a god!
Garth: Heather be thy name.
Wayne, Garth: Scwiiiiiiiiing!
Wayne: You can see him?
Rip Taylor: Well, of course! I mean, how are you gonna miss a half-naked Indian?
Wayne: [enters gas station] Where's the First Presbyterian Church on Gordon Street?
Bad Actor: Uh...
Wayne: Gordon Street, Gordon Street!
Bad Actor: Uh, Gordon Street! Oh yeah, Gordon Street! Uh, I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street. But that was a long time ago. When I was young.
Wayne: [looks at camera] Do we have to put up with this? I mean, can't we get a better actor? I know it's a small part, but I think we can do better than this.
[person from set crew comes in and replaces actor with another one]
Good Actor: Gordon Street? Ah, yes, Gordon Street. I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street. Long time ago, when I was a young man. Not a day passes I don't think her and the promise that I made which I will always keep. That one perfect day on Gordon Street. That's uh, five blocks up, two over.
Wayne: [choking back tears] Thank you.
[jumps in car and drives away]
Wayne: Okay, you've probably already noticed by now that we're on a little early tonight.
Garth: Usually at this time on Aurora cable, you're watching "Plant World".
Wayne: But they didn't want our 10:30 time slot. But we were able to talk "Plant World" into changing with "Cooking World".
Garth: Although they didn't want to change at first.
Wayne: But fortunately, "White Supremacy World" was cancelled, and all the trades worked out
Milton: I hate my father. I hate my life. But I feel great! You guys are great. I'm gonna go pick a fight.
Wayne: He's gotten a lot better.
Garth: Way better.
Jerry Segel: What? Is something wrong?
Wayne: What do you mean?
Jerry Segel: It's my eye, isn't it.
Garth: Why would we want to look at your eye? Is there something wrong with that... weird... eye?
Jerry Segel: There's nothing wrong with my eye. This one just has no pigment. I'm what you call a partial ocular albino, but I'm fine with it. I have perfect 20/20 vision with both eyes. You're serious about putting on a rock concert?
Wayne: Are you kidding? I'd give my right eye.
Jerry Segel: You realise there are certain jurisdictions you'll need to follow.
Garth: I'd like to think I have an eye for details.
Wayne: Oh! Come on! Do you think I'm a gulla-bull? Or even a gulla-calf?
Del Preston: Did he have a naked Indian?
Wayne: Yes.
Garth: Wow.
Del Preston: I have to ask, didn't you think it was a trifle unnecessary to see the crack in the indians bottom.
Wayne: Yes, absolutely
Del Preston: I had the same dream.
Garth: A *sphincter* says *what?*
Bobby Cahn: ...I'm supposed to say what... like I don't get it right?
Wayne: Hi, uh we're here to see Handsome Dan. My name is Wayne Campbell
Bjergen Kjergen: Yah, I know. We've been expecting you, Vane Campbell. I am Bjergen Kjargen.
Wayne: Wow I love your accent, where are you from?
Bjergen Kjergen: I am from Sveden.
Wayne: Oh really? Whereabouts in Sweden?
Bjergen Kjergen: Kneurgen, near the Joergen Fjords.
Wayne: Well, nice to meet you, Bjergen Kjargen, from Kneurgen, near the Joergen Fjords. Hmm. Kneurgen, that's in the Klargen Province, near the Biburgen River.
Bjergen Kjergen: Yah hah.
Wayne: Now correct me if I'm wrong. Your annual rainfall varies from about 40 inches in the winter to about 200 inches in the summer, and your chief export is modular furniature. I did a report on Sweden in the eighth grade.
Bjergen Kjergen: Well I am impressed with your quest for knowledge. Educated men are rare.
Wayne: It was really hard, I stayed all night on it. Then the next day, in gym class I was on the minitramp and I got diarrhea. I really wish I hadn't told you that.
Garth: Wow. Look at this scrapbook.
Wayne: Wow!
Garth: That's you with Led Zeppelin.
Del Preston: Yeh. My old lady put that together. We must've toured every concert hall and venue in America. Me, my old lady, and the road.
Wayne: Is that you and Bob Dylan? Who's that old lady?
Del Preston: That's my old lady.
Garth: Ok, we've had some word that there is some bad red rope licorice circulating in the crowd. Please stay away from the red rope licorice. Do not bite any off or chew it. It could cause potential emergency...
Wayne: Jim, why was I supposed to put on this concert?
Jim: Because you had to learn that it doesn't matter what you do, Cassandra loves you for who you are and that, being an adult means facing resposibility yet still taking the time to have fun.
Wayne: Right, its like coming home on Friday night and doing your homework right away so that your Saturday night is free to just party.
Jim: No I like the way I said it better.
Wayne: OK.
Garth: [nervously;adressing crowd] ... We-Welcome to A-Aurora...
Guy in Crowd: [yells] Eat me!
Garth: ...not just a town, but a st-state of mind.
Jim: Ask me a question.
Wayne: Okay, two trains are coming at each other at sixty miles an hour, one from Chicago, one from Los Angeles.
Jim: [cutting him off] No, ask me a question about your life.
the producers
advertisementLeo Bloom: We might have a position for you.
Max Bialystock: As a matter of fact, we might have several positions for you.
Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer... 'Cause it's everything I'm not
Accountants: [sung] Unhappy... unhappy... So unhappy
Leo and Accountants: [sung] Very very very very very very very...
Accountants: [sung] Sad.
Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer...
[spoken]
Leo Bloom: Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna get on!
Mr. Marks: Bloom, where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break.
Leo Bloom: I'm not going in the toilet... I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS! Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit! And you're right about one thing... You are a CPA - a Certified Public I have NO taste in pet sites! Here's my visor... my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish!
Leo Bloom: [sung] I'm gonna be a producer Sound the horn and beat the drum I'm gonna be a producer Look out Broadway, here I come!
Chorus Girls and Accountants: [sung] Broadway, here he comes!
Leo Bloom: I'm not going to the toilet, I'm going to showbiz!
Max Bialystock: There's more to you than there is to you.
[Max turns away, silently mouthing "What the fu...???]
Roger De Bris: Oh dear, your Mr. Bloom is staring at my gown. I should explain. I'm going to the choreographer's ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.
Carmen Ghia: We always win.
Roger De Bris: I'm not so sure about this year. I'm supposed to be the Grand Dutchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building!
Carmen Ghia: Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half-dressed.
Roger De Bris: Well then, why don't you go and get it, o Wicked Witch of the West?
[pause]
Carmen Ghia: If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... bulls-eye!
Max Bialystock: We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?
Max Bialystock: How did it begin? He walked into my office with his I have NO taste in pet sitesamamy scheme! You can make more money with a flop than with a hit! We can do it. We can do it. I can't do it. We can do it. I can't do it. Good-bye Max! Oh Lord I want that money! I'm back Max! Come on Leo we can do it! Step 1: Find the Play! See it, Smell it, Touch it, Kiss it! Hello Mr. Liebkind! Guten Tag, hop hop Guten Tag, clop clop! Adolf Elizabeth Hitler? Guten Tag, hop hop Guten Tag, clop clop! Step 2: Hire the Director Keep it I have NO taste , keep it I have NO taste , keep it Two-three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn! Ulla! Oooh wah weee wah wah wow wowie! Step 3: Raise the Money! Along Came Bialy! Step 4: Hire all the actors! A wandering minstrel I, A thing of shreds and... Next! The little wooden boy. Next! That's our Hitler! Break a leg! I broke my leg! Springtime for Hitler and Germany- A surprise smash! Springtime for Hitler and Germany- It'll run for years! Where did we go right? Where did we go right? Gimme those books Fat, fat, fatty! Gimme those books! Fat, fat, fatty! Books, fat! Books, fat! Books, fat! Books, fat! Lousy fruit- Kill the actors You ever eat with one? Then you ran to Rio And you're safely out of reach, I'm behind these bars you're banging Ulla on the beach! Just like Julius Caesar was betrayed by Brutus, Who'd think an accountant would turn out to be my Judas! I'm so dismayed, is this how I'm repaid? To be... Betrayed! BETRAYED!
Franz Liebkind: You sniveling cowards. Cringing under a desk. Clinging on for life like baby butterflies. I am going to show you how to die like a man
[points gun to his own head and attempts to kill himself but is unsuccessful and then throws gun onto the couch and a bullet shoots out]
Franz Liebkind: [sung] Guten Tag clap clap / Guten Tag slap slap.
Leo Bloom: So what time can you get here?
Ulla: Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla excercise. From seven to eight Ulla take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: ...Eleven.
Ulla: Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
Max Bialystock: [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...
Ulla: God dag min vannina!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: God dag min vannina... ninna...
Ulla: God bless America!
[Ulla leaves]
Max Bialystock: God bless Sweden!
Leo Bloom: Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind: Ja. Not many people know this, but the fuhrer was descended from a long line of English queens.
Max Bialystock: [after a long pause] Is that right?
Franz Liebkind: [making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] All right. First you will raise your right forefingers, und repeat after me.
[they do]
Franz Liebkind: I solemnly svear...
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: [holding up their forefingers] I solemnly svear...
Franz Liebkind: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Franz Liebkind: Und!
Max Bialystock: [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Leo Bloom: [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Franz Liebkind: [wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: [flipping Franz off] Never, Never, Never
Franz Liebkind: Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolph Elizabeth Hitler
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: Dishonor the spirit und ze... Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind: Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know zis, but der F??hrer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.
[long pause]
Max Bialystock: Is that right?
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: [shrugging] Adolph ELIZABETH Hitler.
Franz Liebkind: [at end of credits] Don't forget to buy "Mein Kampf" in paper back. Avaliable near you... at Borders Books... or Barnes and Noble... und Amazon.com
[With one leg already broken Franz Liebkind falls down the stairs]
Officer O'Rourke: [Calling down the stairs] What happened?
Franz Liebkind: I broke... the other leg!
[Max is recollecting his life while in a jail cell; he imgaines his momma calling him]
Max Bialystock: Wait a minute, my name's not 'Alvin'... Someone *else's* life is flashing before my eyes. *What the hell is that about?* I'm not a hillybilly... I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything... even my past!
Leo Bloom: FAT!
Max Bialystock: I'm not that fat!
Leo Bloom: FAT! FAT!
Leo Bloom: Max, I think we're getting in too deep.
Max Bialystock: Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.
Roger De Bris: Quick darling, back in the closet!
Franz Liebkind: Stand still! How can I shoot you if you keep moving!
Leo Bloom: Mr. Bialystock... I'M BACK!
Max Bialystock: [to God] You are good.
Roger De Bris: This crazy I have NO taste in pet sites is crackers! He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us!
Carmen Ghia: Oh, Roger, what alliteration!
Roger De Bris: Thank you, darling.
Max Bialystock: Hold me touch me, where is hold me touch me...
[searches for picture]
Max Bialystock: Hold me touch me, Hold me touch me... Kiss me feel me, Yank me spank me, Suck me fu... ah! Hold me touch me!
Brazilian Samba Performer: [Sung] You'll find your happiness in Rio! The beaches there are strewn with pearls! The latin breezes always blow there! And so, we hear, do the girls!
Donald Dinsmore: I would like to sing "The little wooden boy. "
[the song intro plays as Donald dances. Just before he is about to open his mouth:]
Roger De Bris: NEXT!
Max Bialystock: [after seeing Franz perform at the auditions] THAT'S OUR HITLER!
[as Max is sentenced for fraud]
Hold-Me Touch-Me: Hold me. Touch me.
Max Bialystock: I'm a little busy.
Hold-Me Touch-Me: I made it out just like you told me to: To the title of the play. "Cash". It's a funny sort of name for a play, "Cash"...
Max Bialystock: So is "The Iceman Cometh"
Max Bialystock: When you got it baby flaunt it, flaunt it!
Franz Liebkind: [at end of credits] Don"t forget to buy "Mein Kampf" in paper back. At Borders Books or Barnes and Knoble, or Amazon.com
Leo Bloom: Today I have taken the Siegfried oath, and danced with a sailor, police man and very friendly Cherokee Indian
Carmen Ghia: [Leo and Max have just left Franz, wearing swastika armbands and arrive at Roger's penthouse, forgetting they're wearing them. Carmen greets them at the door] May I take your hat, your coat, and your swastikas?
Ulla: [sung] Violinists love to play an E-string, but audiences really love a G-string!
Franz Liebkind: The Fuhrer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy! The Fuhrer was BUTCH!
Leo Bloom: I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!
Franz Liebkind: Hilda, where are you going? Argentina's that way!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: We can do it! We can do it!
Max Bialystock: Every show I touch I doom!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: We were fated, To be mated, We're Bialystock and Bloom!
Max Bialystock: [with a very high Irish accent] And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country...
[normal voice]
Max Bialystock: TAXI!
Leo Bloom: I'm very sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady.
Max Bialystock: "Feeling up the old lady." Thank you Mr. Tact.
Max Bialystock: Listen Roger, I know we sent it to you only this morning, but did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris: Read it? I devoured it! And I find it remarkable, REMARKABLE! I feel it is a very important piece drenched with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
Max Bialystock: Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
Roger De Bris: Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing, I mean, Max please... World War II? Oooh... too dark, too depressing.
[Music starts]
Roger De Bris: [sung] The theatre's so obsessed / With dramas so depressed / It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway / Shows should be more pretty / Shows should be more witty / Shows should be more...
[spoken]
Roger De Bris: What's the word?
Leo Bloom: I have NO taste ?
Roger De Bris: Exactly!
Carmen Ghia: And so the rule is, when mounting a... play. Keep it I have NO taste , keep it I have NO taste , keep it I have NO taste .
Max Bialystock: I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa. And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch... And I hear her calling out to me...???Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alviiiiin! Aaaaalviiiiiiiiiiiin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything from me... Even my past!
Ulla: [nervously] Okey-dokey... you like it?
Max Bialystock: Lik-, like it? I want you to know, my dear, that even though we are sitting down, we are giving you a *standing ovation*.
[Leo and Max both cross legs uncomfortably]
Franz Liebkind: I was never a member of the Nazi Party! I only followed orders. I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war on. We lived in the back, right across from Switzerland. All we heard was yodelling... yoodle le he hoo
Ulla: My name is Ulla Inka Hanson Benson Yanson Tallen Hallen Swadon Swanson.
Max Bialystock: What is your first name?
Ulla: Oh that was my first name. Would you like to hear my last name?
Max Bialystock: We don't have the time.
Sing Sing Prison Guard: Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon for having - through song and dance - brought joy and laughter into the hearts of every murderer, rapist, and sex maniac in Sing Sing! You're free!
[Carmen answers the phone, a piano underscore playing]
Carmen Ghia: Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling?
[Carmen frowns and the piano abruptly stops]
Carmen Ghia: Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again!
[he slams the phone down]
Roger De Bris: Who was that?
Carmen Ghia: Wrong number!
Judge: And who might you be, my dear?
Ulla: Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yonsen Tallen-Hallen Svaden-Svanson... Bloom.
Judge: You're HIS wife?
Ulla: He wouldn't do it unless we got married!
Judge: What a I have NO taste in pet sites!
Max Bialystock: Settle down, you teutonic TWIT!
Leo Bloom: [Going hysterical, and pointing at Bialystock] FAT!
Franz Liebkind: Ze penalty for braking ze Siegfried Oath is DESS!
Max Bialystock: Dess? Is that anything like death?
Franz Liebkind: YETH!
Hold Me-Touch Me: I know, let's play the virgin milkmaid and the well-hung stable boy.
Max Bialystock: Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
Hold Me-Touch Me: Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
[Hold me-Touch me grabs an umbrella and mimcks carrying milk]
Hold Me-Touch Me: Oh dear, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. You there, well-hung stable boy, won't you please help me?
Max Bialystock: Why of course my little dairy queen. First, I shall take your milk. Then, I shall take your VIRGINITY!
Max Bialystock: Whatta ya say, Bloom?
Leo Bloom: [sung] What do I say? / Finally a chance to be a broadway producer! / What do I say? / Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir! / What do I say? What do I say? / Here's what I say to you, sir...
Leo Bloom: [sung] I can't do it!
Franz Liebkind: I must tell my birds!
Stormtrooper "Mel" (voice): Don't be stupid, be a smartie. Come and join the Nazi Party.
Carmen Ghia: [answering the door at Roger's house] Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?
Max Bialystock: I...
Carmen Ghia: ...sss!
Franz Liebkind: That is not how you sing Haben Sie geh^rt das Deutsche band! This is how you sing Haben Sie geh^rt das Deutsche band!
Franz Liebkind: Broadway! I haven't been so happy since we crushed Poland!
Roger De Bris: I am going to the choreographers' ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.
Carmen Ghia: We always win.
Roger De Bris: I am not so sure about this year. I am supposed to be the Grand Dutchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building.
Franz Liebkind: This is no good. I'm not killing anybody.
Mr. Marks: Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?
Max Bialystock: We got the wrong play. We got the wrong director. We got the wrong actors. Where did we go right?
Leo Bloom: Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.
Franz Liebkind: [while waving a gun around] You made a fool of Hitler!
Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris: [Carmen and Roger peer over the couch where they are hiding] He didn't need our help.
[repeated line]
Leo Bloom: Max, I think we're getting in too deep.
Franz Liebkind: You know, not many people know zis, but der F??hrer was a terrific dancer.
Max Bialystock: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
Leo Bloom: No, we sure didn't.
Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL!
[gags]
Franz Liebkind: With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
Max Bialystock: [patting Franz comfortingly] There, there.
Franz Liebkind: Where? Where?
Leo Bloom: Actors aren't animals! They're human beings!
Max Bialystock: Have you ever eaten with one?
Roger De Bris: Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten. They're losing the war? Excuse me? It's too downbeat!
Roger De Bris: [sung as Hitler] I was just a paper hanger / no one more obscurer. / Got a phone call from the Reichstag / told me I was F??hrer. / Germany was blue / What, oh, what to do? / Hitched up my pants / and conquered France. / Now Deutschland's smiling through!
Roger De Bris: [spoken] But it wasn't always so easy... It was 1932. Hindenburg was working the Big Room and I... I was playing the lounge. And then I got my big break. Somebody burned down the Reichstag. And would you believe it? They made me Chancellor. Chancellor!
Roger De Bris: [sung] It ain't no mystery / if it's politics or history. / The thing you've got to know is / everything is showbiz!
Roger De Bris, Carmen Ghia: [sung] A Happy Ending will pep up your play...
Roger De Bris: [sung] Oedipus won't bomb...
Carmen Ghia: [sung] If he winds up with Mom! / Keep it I have NO taste ...
Roger De Bris: [sung] Keep it I have NO taste ...
Roger De Bris, Carmen Ghia: [sung] Keep it I have NO taste !
Max Bialystock: I'll send you to the moon Thursday. I may even join you.
Max Bialystock: Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!
Max Bialystock: Do you know who I am?
Leo Bloom: You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!
Max Bialystock: No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!
Leo Bloom: I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet!
Max Bialystock: [slaps him]
Leo Bloom: I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet, and I'm still hysterical!
Max Bialystock: Dear Lord... I want that money!
Max Bialystock: [holding play] Smell it. Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it! It's the mother lode...
Franz Liebkind: AQAP!
[beat]
Franz Liebkind: As quick as possible!
Max Bialystock: Franz Liebkind?
Franz Liebkind: I was not a member of the Nazi party!
Franz Liebkind: Nein.
Max Bialystock: Nein?
Franz Liebkind: No.
Max Bialystock: That's what nein means.
Max Bialystock: [about Franz's hop-clop] It's sort of a Nazi Hoedown.
Carmen Ghia: He's having a stroke!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: What?
Carmen Ghia: Of Genius!
Roger De Bris: I shall have to think about it - I'll do it.
Roger De Bris: [signing his name] Roger Elizabeth DeBris!
Max Bialystock: [after hearing Ulla's huge name] What's your first name?
Ulla: That was my first name. You wanna hear my last name?
Max Bialystock: Sorry. We don't have time.
Ulla: Would you like Ulla make audition?
Leo Bloom: That won't be nece...
Max Bialystock: Yes, it is nece! Extremely nece!
Ulla: Secretary-slash-receptionist? Okie-slash-dokie!
Max Bialystock: The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo Bloom: And two?
Max Bialystock: [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!
Ulla: So, Mr. Bloom. Ve are all alone.
Leo Bloom: Yes, ve are.
Ulla: Why Bloom go so far camera right?
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock, Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris: Break a leg!
[CRASH!]
Max Bialystock: Franz, what happened?
Franz Liebkind: I broke my leg!
Max Bialystock: Always moving your lips along with the actors.
Roger De Bris: [mouthing along with him] Always moving your lips along with the actors.
Carmen Ghia: Roger, We're not alone...
Max Bialystock: [to a prisoner in Sing Sing] What are you in for, lack of rhythm?
Carmen Ghia: [At Hitler auditions] Jason Green.
Roger De Bris: Well Jason, what have you been up to lately?
Jason Green: For the last 16 years, I've been touring in "No, No Nietzsche."
Roger De Bris: You played Nietzsche?
Jason Green: No, no.
Roger De Bris: What are you going to sing for us?
Jason Green: Have you ever heard the German band?
Roger De Bris: No.
Jason Green: That is the name of the song I am going to sing.
Roger De Bris: Oh.
Roger De Bris: Oh and Max darling we LOVED Funny Boy, didn't we Carmen?
Carmen Ghia: Oh WORSHIPPED it! Uh... To be or not to be...
Roger De Bris: You mean a lot to me!
Roger De Bris: Show stoppah!
Carmen Ghia: FABULOUS!
Max Bialystock: ...Right.
Roger De Bris: You mean that smell is you? Oh GOD. If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day.
[preparing to perform "The Guten Tag Hop-Clop"]
Franz Liebkind: First, you must roll up your pants.
Max Bialystock: Okay.
[He and Leo begin to roll up their pant legs]
Franz Liebkind: Rolling?
Max Bialystock: Rolling.
Franz Liebkind: Rolling?
Max Bialystock: Rolling.
Franz Liebkind: Come on, don't be stingy! Show some LEG!
Leo Bloom: Ooh, Ohh how I hate you!
Max Bialystock: Double, DOUBLE!
Max Bialystock: Why you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar... *takes blue blanket*...
Leo Bloom: Ahhhhh!
Max Bialystock: Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you want to spread your wings, and flap your way to glory?...
Leo Bloom: ...No!
Ulla: Mr. Bloom! Leo!
[running towards Leo]
Ulla: Your tie is all askew!
Leo Bloom: Askew?
[Leo lovingly looks on as Ulla adjusts is bowtie]
Leo Bloom: Well, thank you, Ulla. Have a good show.
[Leo and Ulla immediately embrace and kiss one another]
Leo Bloom: [after releasing himself from Ulla's kiss and embrace] Roll'em in the aisles.
Ulla: Okie-Dokie. I will try to. But there's just so many of them.
Leo Bloom: Mr. Marks, you were right about one thing. You are a CPA. A Certified Public ASS-HOLE!
Carmen Ghia: [coming out of the closet] OCIFFERS!
Max Bialystock: Don't you see Bloom? You're like... you're like a fountain!
Leo Bloom: I'm a fountain?
Max Bialystock: [yelling] YES YOU'RE A FOUNTAIN!
Mr. Marks: WHAT? You've never seen someone humiliated before?
Max Bialystock: So, you're an accountant?
Leo Bloom: Yes, sir, I am, sir.
Max Bialystock: Then account for yourself!
Leo Bloom: Let's assume for a moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Max Bialystock: Assume away.
Carmen Ghia: If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... Bull's-eye!
[an outtake]
Max Bialystock: You okay?
Leo Bloom: Oh, yes. Thank you for smiling, it really helped.
Max Bialystock: [walking over to a bust of Shakespeare] Well, you know what they say: "Smile and the world smiles with you!" Hahahaha-
[undertones to the bust]
Max Bialystock: This man should be in a straitjacket.
[pause]
Max Bialystock: What?
[pause]
Max Bialystock: Don't argue with me, you piece of-!
[he slaps the bust angrily, and turns to Leo again, speaking calmly]
Max Bialystock: Feeling better?
Leo Bloom: [suppressing laughter] Yes.
Max Bialystock: Good. That makes three of us.
[from deleted scene]
Max Bialystock: Did you bring the checkie?
Hold Me-Touch Me: Yes, but first, lets play one, dirty little game.
Max Bialystock: Here in broad daylight. All right what do you want to play?
Hold Me-Touch Me: Lets play the hairless chiwawa and the well hung Great Dane!
Stormtrooper Rolf: I was born in D??sseldorf, and that is why they call me Rolf.
Roger De Bris: Mrs. Bialystock and Bloom I pressume? Ha! Forgive the pun!
Leo Bloom: What pun?
Max Bialystock: Shut up! He thinks he's witty!
Ulla: Remember ven Ulla Dance?
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: Ja.
Ulla: Ulla dance again!
Max Bialystock: ULLA DANCE AGAIN!
Roger De Bris: Carmen, call in a singing Hitler, please.
Carmen Ghia: Yes, darling- Roger.
Hold Me-Touch Me: You know what I'd really like?
Max Bialystock: [turning to the hot dog vendor] She'll have the foot long
Max Bialystock: Hey Kid. Hey. Yo-Hoo. Look at this.
[steps over Leo]
Max Bialystock: How can I help you?
Leo Bloom: [Screaming]
Max Bialystock: What's wrong?
Leo Bloom: You're gonna jump on me.
Max Bialystock: What?
Leo Bloom: You're gonne jump on me.
Max Bialystock: No.
Leo Bloom: I know you're gonna jump on me...
Max Bialystock: No. Calm down.
Leo Bloom: ...And squash me like a bug.
Max Bialystock: Oh God.
Leo Bloom: Please don't jump on me.
Max Bialystock: I'm not gonna jump on you. I'm not gonna jump on you.
Leo Bloom: [screams again]
Max Bialystock: [reading through scripts] Wait, here's one: "One morning Gregor Samsa awoke to discover he had been transformed into a giant I have NO taste in pet sitesroach!"...
[pause]
Max Bialystock: Nah, too good.
Ulla: [Ulla finds Leo hanging on the closet door] Leo, what happened? I know - you hung up your coat while you were still in it!
Roger De Bris: And now finally, last and least, my lighting designer, Shirley Markowitz.
Carmen Ghia: May I take your hats, your coats, and your Swastikas?
Max Bialystock: Oh, these?
[Max and Leo take off their Swastika armbands and hand them to Carmen]
Max Bialystock: [laughs nervously] We just came from this big rally. Everyone was wearing one!
[Roger De Bris enters the room]
Leo Bloom: Max... He's wearing a dress!
Max Bialystock: No kidding!
[Max and Leo see Franz feeding his pigeons]
Max Bialystock: Just a hunch... but I'm guessing that's our man.
Leo Bloom: Oh, Max! He's wearing a German helmet. And leiderhosen!
Max Bialystock: I know, I know! Just don't notice! Don't notice anything!
Max Bialystock: Franz Liebkind?
[Franz slams his back against the pigeon roost]
Franz Liebkind: [yells] I vaz never a member of the Nazi party! I had nossing to do vith the var! I didn't even know there vas a var on! Vee lived in zee back... near Svitzerland! All vee ever heard vas yodeling!
[Max and Leo have just left after agreeing to produce Franz's play]
Franz Liebkind: Vatt nice guys! Oh... Broadvay! I haven't been zis happy since vee crushed Poland!
[repeated line]
Leo Bloom: Max... we never should've started this! I think we're getting in too deep!
Max Bialystock: Too deep? This is nothing! I'll tell ya when we're getting in too deep!
Bud Abbott Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein
Dr. Lejos/Dracula: Young people making the most of life - while it lasts.
Chick Young: I don't get it. Out of all the guys around here that classy dish has to pick out a guy like you.
Wilbur Grey: What's wrong with that?
Chick Young: Go look at yourself in the mirror sometime.
Wilbur Grey: Why should I hurt my own feelings?
Wilbur Grey: Well that's gonna cost you overtime because I'm a union man and I work only sixteen hours a day.
McDougal: A union man only works eight hours a day.
Wilbur Grey: I belong to two unions.
Wilbur Grey: Mr. Talbot, and I thought you were such a nice man too. Look at you, you're a mess.
Larry Talbot: Last night I went through another one of my horrible experiences. Many years ago I was bitten by a werewolf. Now, whenever the full moon rises I turn into a wolf myself.
Wilbur Grey: Oh pal. That's all right; I'm sort of a wolf myself.
Larry Talbot: You don't understand. Every night when the moon is full, I turn into a wolf.
Wilbur: You and twenty million other guys.
Larry Talbot: [slamming Wilbur into a locker with Chick going in behind him] Listen, I might tear you limb from limb!
Wilbur: [turning to Chick in the locker] Is that serious?
Chick Young: He'll murder ya!
Wilbur: That's serious.
Chick Young: Get up on your feet. It's only a dummy
Wilbur: Dummy nothin'. It was smart enough to scare me.
Chick Young: People pay McDougal cash to come in here and get scared.
Wilbur: I'm cheatin' him. I'm gettin' scared for nothin'.
Chick Young: I'm going out to get the other crate. And no back talk!
Wilbur: I've got just two words to say to you.
Chick Young: What is that?
Wilbur: Hurry back.
Wilbur: You know that person you said there's no such person? I think he's in there... in person. I was reading this sign over here, Dracula's Legend. All of a sudden I heard...
[Wilbur imitates a creaking noise]
Chick Young: That's the wind.
Wilbur: It should get oiled.
Chick Young: You're making enough noise to wake up the dead!
Wilbur: I don't have to wake him up. He's up.
Chick Young: I know there's no such person as Dracula. You know there's no such person as Dracula.
Wilbur Grey: But does Dracula know it?
Larry Talbot: Soon the moon will rise. I've taken the room across the hall; here's the key, lock me in.
Wilbur Grey: Lock you in?
Larry Talbot: Yes, please. Hurry.
[to Chick]
Wilbur Grey: He's scared too.
Chick Young: Why don't you get down to the police station and tell them you know the story of Dracula and Monster they'd be very interested.
"Bla
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