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anyakaiwillow
  1. My club family!
    17th Apr 2010 12:43
    14 years & 7 months ago
  2. Try tis out!
    16th Mar 2010 13:52
    14 years, 8 months & 2 days ago
  3. Hey writers!
    14th Mar 2010 12:47
    14 years, 8 months & 4 days ago
  4. A sample of my work
    13th Mar 2010 13:13
    14 years, 8 months & 5 days ago
  5. my pet fund!
    4th Mar 2010 10:04
    14 years, 8 months & 14 days ago
  6. cheeky the chocolate fasoro
    18th Jan 2010 11:57
    14 years, 9 months & 28 days ago
A sample of my work
14 years, 8 months & 5 days ago
13th Mar 2010 13:13

i am an aspiring author (although i dont know what that means) . Yeah, i like to brag. But lately ive been feeling people dont believe me. here is a passage from my latest novel, The Dared Children. It is only a little cause im not good at doing 'short' stories. so enjoy and dont fall asleep!
Chapter one


England


Jamie lay down on her trampoline, looking up at the sky. She was starting St Peter Primary School tomorrow. It was an all girl???s school, although that didn???t help her in the slightest. Maybe she had a history of school, but then again if she didn???t she wouldn???t be moving. Her old school was a, well, trashy school. The best thing about it was that it was completely loose. Hardly anything didn???t slip past the teachers. This new school was in a posh place, where her foster family lived. Of course, her foster family didn???t suspect a thing. Yet. When she was younger she hardly had a bed to sleep on, she shared her bedroom with 6 children. How different they had turned out to be. Less than a month in this posh place, and she was already expected to adjust.
She couldn???t forget her terrible time across here; sailing for twelve hours on a cargo ship and on a train with two adults by her side every time. She had to stay in her cabin; or, the engine room. Although, completely expected from her, she escaped. And she would have gone overboard, too, if the adults hadn???t stopped her. They knew she could swim, and they knew she wasn???t happy with having to travel. It was stupid having to go all that way just to meet some good-for-nothing posh guts and even more, bribing the Council with money. She thought they???d just want her gone. She hoped they would give her away to the first person who came in so she could get back into the open air again. But no.
Two years in care, and about fifteen potential parents. Parents closer to the care so she could just go away in a car or motorbike. And no snobs, she thought that her potential parents were completely capable of handling her. And she would listen to them, too. Maybe. She didn???t intend on listening to these snobs. They thought she was an angel, a neglected child and a child who didn???t know what was good. She wasn???t spoiled, that was for sure. All of the people that said her parents were pushovers were flipping idiots. She knew she had rights but the adults obviously sought to destroy them. Children shouldn???t be treated like this, on adult???s monitor and unable to choose who they would be living with for the rest of their life. What a corrupt world. It seems that adults had the right to the finer things, good cars, high society and free will. Children had the right to air and were made as puppets to adults. It wasn???t fair. And to be truthful, she was a unfair treated child; or at least she thought. Adults always said children were given everything; treats, phones, respect and kindness. Lies. First, only the battery chickens got treats. And phones were only for people who were ???good???. What were they? Dogs? And respect, well, she could hardly say that existed at all. In fact it didn???t. How often did a child stand up and say something, like ???I???m going out??? or ???I???m going to America??? and the parents just sat down? No, they had to ask. ???May I please go out???? ???May I please get food??? ???May I please have a life????. No, no and no. Adults didn???t care. It was like they were the bosses and suddenly in being given the right to live they let go of all of their free will. It was their life yet half of their life other people controlled it. It really wasn???t fair. Where was a world where children were treated fairly? It seemed these days to achieve children???s rights they had to become battery chickens. And she definitely wasn???t one. And it felt good, just to lie back on a trampoline. She liked having a trampoline in her back yard. Although it definitely didn???t repay for the pain and struggle she had when she was a girl, and the whole travel as well. And being treated unfairly for 11 years, if it was being in poverty or being made to be a battery chicken. She thought it was enough time to get a little something back. Like free will. No chocolate, though, that kind of rewards was only for people who lived to please their parents like slaves. It was pathetic. She didn???t know how those children lived, just being another number. Well, then again, maybe they didn???t know that. Maybe they didn???t know their parents only raised them to be slaves. Poor children.
Although, more than anything, she was glad to be out again, so she could speak her mind. And maybe she???d end up in care again. It was just a symbol that she couldn???t be tamed. She???d be embarrassed if she could be tamed, like those battery chickens. She made a pledge never to let that happen. Adults weren???t friends. No matter what they tried to do, they didn???t understand anything. Nothing from a kid???s point of view, anyway. They didn???t know what ???fun??? meant. They didn???t know what a life was. A life isn???t just doing good things and getting rewards. It was about freedom. Which she obviously wasn???t getting. If she did what they said, that was. She did have a life. Those little children who always thought adults were the best people in the world didn???t have a life. It wasn???t their fault, either.
She heard a shout coming from the house. It was the adults shouting her in. She didn???t mind coming in, she was bored anyway. But since she made the pledge, she got off the trampoline and went out the gate onto the street.



Chapter two


On the street

A ball hit Jamie???s foot. She stopped it and looked at the people who kicked it. It was two kids, she estimated 5-9 years old. One was a girl, with long black hair and blue eyes that really didn???t go with her hair. She had a fringe that lapped onto her cheek. Her cheek had freckles on it. Her hair only went to her shoulders, she was wearing a nice little small red dress, completely unsuitable for a damp night. The dress reached the ground, it was obviously too big for her. Because of Jamie???s eyes, her eyes were full of pleading.
The other one was a little boy with an undecided shade of yellow-brown hair. It only covered his head, although there were no signs of his scalp like some little boys. It was quite thick on. His forehead was quite big since he had no fringe. His cheeks were clear; not as a baby???s bottom, but he had no freckles. There was a little brown spot on the side of his face. He was wearing a striped shirt that was tucked into his trousers. It went down his arms but not all of the way; it covered his elbow and no more. Unlike the girl, he was looking strong, like a sidekick who had no idea what was going on. He looked at her like the sun was in his way.
Jamie picked up the ball, and held it up like a child doing a talk with a sore arm. She looked at them in a reply to the boy???s glance. Then she put it to her feet.
???Watch this,??? she said.
She kicked the ball high, up to a house???s top window. It was a bedroom. A teenager writing her diary up there put it down as if to say, ???What now???? and went to look out of the window. From the ground she looked like a little curious girl, which made Jamie burst out with laughter.
???C???mon,??? she said, pushing the two children to the bush area, where they couldn???t be seen.
The little girl looked at her as to say, ???What???d you do that for???? Jamie had come to the conclusion, even though she hadn???t spoken to her yet, that she was the kind of girl quiet girl that hardly ever spoke but was the leader of her friends. Nice to see the girl being the leader for a change. The boy???s face had an unchanged emotion; they were both odd children.
???You don???t talk much, do you???? she asked.
???Mama says never to talk to strangers,??? the little girl said finally.
There was something about the tone of her voice that seemed cute. Like the way little babies stick their tongue out after taking a spoonful of baby food. It was like she wasn???t trying to sound cute. Like in the yogurt adverts, when the little child was talking about the yogurt, then she did an arm wrestle with that other boy, which was equally as cute. Maybe the fact that children were battery chickens made them seem cuter, but it was even cuter, children trying to disobey their parents.
???Oh, your mama said that???? she asked, with a little chuckle tone in her voice. ???Ha, well nice seeing you.???
She left the two children. She considered going back to her house, but then again, she knew what she???d get when she went back. She might as well cause a little more trouble whilst she was at it. Looking the other way where the children were playing, she decided to go the other way. The private estate was a triangle anyway.
???Jamie Brownstein!??? she heard a young call.
She looked to where the sound was coming from. It wasn???t her new mum, thankfully, or her ???angel??? little sister. It was some girl she???d never seen.
???Going out late, are you????
???Shove off, idiot.???
???Well your mummy wants you.??? That reply generated laughter from her friends surrounding. To satisfy the crowd, she continued.
???Apparently it???s your bed-bys time.??? She had a large grin as she twirled a ball on her finger to make herself look cool. She was so wearing the wrong outfit for that to look cool. It was a long green top with a stitched yellow border at the bottom. Then, she had on green leggings with purple stitched embroidery that went right around the back down it.
Jamie just walked on. That didn???t change anything. It was sick for a teenager to be picking on an 11 year old, too. She was worth nothing, almost like those weak battery chickens, although she was worse. Older battery chickens were worse, they were like teachers pets. Of course, as they got older, there were less and less battery chickens because sometimes people wanted to control their lives instead of adults living it for them. She thought she was quite intelligent for coming out of that terrible phase so soon. When some people her age were dedicating their lives to please teachers and get home rewards. And she had more of her life to spend as she liked.


I like it too, it's good.
Except you put "She was a unfair treated child" when it should be "An unfair."

I've not noticed any other mistakes but I'm not that observant. :/
114 years, 8 months & 5 days ago 13th Mar 2010 13:26
 
  1. My club family!
    17th Apr 2010 12:43
    14 years & 7 months ago
  2. Try tis out!
    16th Mar 2010 13:52
    14 years, 8 months & 2 days ago
  3. Hey writers!
    14th Mar 2010 12:47
    14 years, 8 months & 4 days ago
  4. A sample of my work
    13th Mar 2010 13:13
    14 years, 8 months & 5 days ago
  5. my pet fund!
    4th Mar 2010 10:04
    14 years, 8 months & 14 days ago
  6. cheeky the chocolate fasoro
    18th Jan 2010 11:57
    14 years, 9 months & 28 days ago